


The boy with the ocean eyes

by cao



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Hurt Lance (Voltron), Klance if you squint, Lance (Voltron) Has ADHD, Self-Harm, plot if you squint, why am i like this, why must i hurt my son
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-28 17:56:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11423151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cao/pseuds/cao
Summary: Basically Lance is a mess and hasn't told anyone he has ADHD, which leads to some problems.COMPLETEPlease read the tags





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Halla! I know it's short but so is my attention span.

Lance wiped sweat off his brows and tried to focus on his assignment, shoot the lock when Keith runs through the door. He looked down and realized his leg was bouncing up and down, not good. he swallowed a lump in his throat and pulled his gun up a little higher, come on Lance concentrate, he whispered to himself. He barely noticed when Shiro's voice came over the coms;

"Lance? _Lance!"_

"I'm here!" 

"You have to take this seriously! Are you in position?"

"Yeah, yeah i'm ready." the coms went silent.

_Stupid. Worthless. Pay Attention. Why can't you be better?_

Shut up Lance hissed at the voices in his head. It wasn't his fault he couldn't pay attention. It wasn't his fault. It was, it was. Lance looked around on the ground and picked up a shard of broken glass buried beneath the sand, he pulled up the sleeve of his flight suit and dragged the glass across his wrist, he didn't like cutting his wrist but he needed something fast. Lance sunk back against the boulder and closed his eyes, letting relief spill through him. 

The door in front of him opened with a hiss and Keith sprinted out, "Shoot it!" He screamed into the air. Lance cried out and popped up, firing a shot at the lock panel that slammed the door shut. The glass fell from his hand and blood spilled onto his armour and he yanked his sleeve down before Keith turned to him. 

'What were you doing?" Keith was angry, his face twisted, "We gave you one job!"

"I know! I did it." Lance recoiled from Keith's anger.  

Keith scowled, "You just can't focus can you, on anything." The red paladin spun on his heels and clicked on his com, "We're ready for extraction."

"Excellent," Shiro's voice was happier now, "Pidge will be there shortly."  

lance stood sheepishly in silence while Keith scowled at him. He felt the air getting thicker, he needed to sit down. His wrist was throbbing and he couldn't remember why- oh yeah, that. The green lion uncloaked itself in front of them and Keith started towards it, 'Come on!" He hissed at Lance. 

"Did you get what we came for?" Pidge asked as soon as they stepped into the green lion. 

"Yeah, but Lance almost ruined the whole mission." Keith glared at Lance with his arms crossed. 

Lance tried to speak up in protest but Keith turned away. maybe Keith was right, maybe he was worthless. He shook his head to clear away the thoughts and readied himself for the imminent scolding. Shiro was going to be pissed, maybe Allura would finally deem him worthless and leave him with the Galra. The Castle of Lions grew larger on the lion's screen and Pidge circled once before landing in her hangar. Allura and Coran and the other Paladins were waiting in the control room to hear the outcome of their mission, and all the mistakes. Lance felt dread building in his stomach as he followed Keith and Pidge through the halls. 

"Good work!" Allura was beaming as they entered, "I'm proud of all of you." 

Keith had a scowl on his face, "Lance wasn't ready at the doors and the Galra almost got through."

Lance hung his head and waited for the scolding but Shiro stepped forward, "Everyone got out okay and we got the information we needed, Lance did fine, although i do want to work on your focus." Shiro turned to Lance.

"I'm sorry, I tried really hard i just couldn't seem to look at the door." 

"That's not an excuse!" Keith exploded, "The Galra could have come through and you would have been dead!" 

Lance's eyes shot up, him? Did Keith care if he was dead? He opened his mouth but realized everyone was staring at his arm. Shit, he hadn't wrapped it in something. 

"Lance are you okay?" Hunk reached over and pulled up Lance"s sleeve to look at the cut. lance realized there was blood dripping down his hand and forming a puddle on the floor. He tried to cover the cut, "It's nothing."

"Ow." He whined when Hunk touched the cut, Shiro was beside him at the word 'Ow' and his face softened.

"Why didn't you say something?" Shiro beckoned for Hunk to run to the Med Bay to get some bandages. 

Coran appeared with water and cleaning tools and Shiro began washing the cut, as he cleaned the blood away it became apparent how clean the cut was, stretching right across his wrist. He looked up at Shiro who seemed to be thinking too much to notice, but Keith was staring at him with a seriousness in his eyes. Lance looked down at is wrist again and saw Shiro about to say something, but at that moment Hunk arrived with the bandages and Lance silently thanked him. When Shiro had finished wrapping him up he was sent off to change. 

"Be careful you don't re open it!" Shiro called after Lance as he tried not to run down the hall. 

Lance didn't realize he was holding his breath until his door slid shut behind him. He sunk to the floor and tried to even out his breathing. 

_Keith knew. Keith knew. Keith knew. Keith knew._

He couldn't breathe, he needed air. Lance tugged off his armour and his flight suit and pulled on his jeans. He could breathe. He stood in front of his mirror, staring at the scars on his arms and his hips. Lance sighed at the old feeling and opened the drawer to his right. There it sat, glittering among the jars of hair products and face masks, his razor. He picked it up gingerly and twirled it in his hands. He recalled nights at home and the Garrison, slowly dragging it across his skin and finally exhaling at the sweet relief it brought. He wanted that now. The razor rested against his inner arm when he heard a knock at the door.

"Lance?"

Of course it was Shiro. Lance was almost glad the older Paladin had showed up when he did. He dropped the razor back into the drawer and pushed it shut while tugging on a shirt. Shit, or course it was short sleeved. He didn't have time to change as the door slid open. Shiro looked Lance up and down, his eyes resting on the white bandages on his arm.  _  
_

"I came to check on you, Coran is serving dinner." Shiro had a slight smile on his face and Lance couldn't help but grin back.

Nobody knew. He was fine. 

He sat down at the table with his usual grin on his face, told his worst jokes and flirted worse than he ever had before. Everyone pretended to hate it and groaned and rolled their eyes but they were all laughing, glad that Lance was back to normal. But the whole meal, Keith never took his eyes off Lance, he looked like he was trying to decipher a code.

_You're not safe. You're not safe. He knows. He knows._

Lance excused himself and hurried to his room but he heard someone behind him, he turned to yell at whoever it was but Keith grabbed him by the wrist and turned a corner so no one saw them.

"What is this?" He hissed, his grip tightened on Lance's arm.

"I guess i cut it on something!" Lance tried to twist away but couldn't get out of the Red Paladin's grip, "That hurts!"

"That is no accidental cut." His voice got low, terrifying, "No cut I've ever seen has been that clean." 

"Well this one was." Lance squeaked out, his wrist was on fire. 

Keith looked down at the floor before dropping Lance's arm. He gave Lance one last angry look before turning away to go to his room. 

Lance almost curled up and cried right there but made it back to his room. He pulled the razor out of the drawer and slowly let it bite his skin, blood seeping through the openings and pooling on his arms. He reached for the bandages he always kept by his bed and wrapped them tightly around the fresh cuts. 

_God you're pathetic. Why do you even try anymore. What made you think you could be on this team. Why. Why. Why._

Lance cried into his pillow until sleep came for him. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla! This chapter is really early but i hope y'all enjoy it! Thank you for reading loves!

When Lance woke up all he could think about was how hungry he was. Shit. He climbed out of bed and tripped over his trash bin, spilling the bloody bandages onto the floor. He shoveled them back into the bin and sighed, today was going to be one of those days. Lance caught an object shining on the floor and picked it up, it was the razor. He flung it under his bed and squeezed his eyes shut. Count to ten. 

_One_

_Worthless_

_Two_

_Stupid_

_Three_

_Failure_

_Four_

_Idiot_

_Five_

_Alone_

_Six_

_Coward_

_Seven_

_Crybaby_

_Eight_

_Shit_

_Nine_

_Why_

_Ten_

_Stop_

Lance took a deep breath and walked slowly to the kitchen. His feet dragged on the floor and his head hung, but when he entered the kitchen he picked up his feet and held his chin high. Hunk was stirring something in a big orange bowl while Coran flew about gathering ingredients. 

"Hey, Lance!" Hunk smiled his giant smile when his friend walked into the room and Lance grinned back. 

"Hello!" Coran called out as pots fell on his head, "Ow."

Lance laughed before helping the Altean pick them up and put them in their proper place. Soon the kitchen was full of shouting Paladins demanding breakfast before training and two overwhelmed Alteans. Lance noticed Keith still keeping an eye on him and he played his nervous mood off with a wink. Keith frowned and looked away. Shiro finally got everyone to sit and helped Coran serve the meal, which everyone finished eagerly. 

"Listen up Paladins," Allura began, "Today we are going to do a Mind Meld Exercise." 

"Why?" Lance blurted out.

"Because I feel as if there is some tension that needs to be taken care of." Allura's eyes bore into his.

He looked down, "Sorry Princess."

Allura and nodded, "Wear something comfortable, it's going to be a long day." She dismissed them with her hand and they all rushed off to get ready. 

Lance pulled on his jeans and the same blue t shirt he always wore during Mind Meld Exercises. He sat on his bed and let out a tired sigh, trying to figure out a way to stop this. there was a knock on his door and he opened it to find Keith standing there.

"Hey." Lance raised an eyebrow. 

"Hey, sorry about yesterday." Keith peered into the room behind Lance to find it impeccably clean.

"it's fine. And-" Lance was cut off as Pidge appeared behind Keith.

"Uh, we're all waiting." She rocked on her feet and then dissapeared down the hallway. 

"What were you going to say?" Keith's eyes looked soft, not their usual harshness. 

Lance shook his head, "You'll know soon." 

He pushed past Keith and headed to the training room, his mind already made up. He sat between Shiro and Pidge and kept folding and unfolding his hands in his lap. 

"Are you okay, Lance?" He couldn't tell who asked.

"I'm fine." 

The headsets floated down and Lance grasped the glowing blue set and set it carefully on his head. He felt a flood of emotions as the rest of the Paladins entered his head, he noticed their confused noises and expressions when he entered theirs. 

"Who is that?" Pidge cried out, "Lance is it you?" 

He was silent, knowing his sadness and pain was flooding through them all, he sighed a tired sigh and picked the memory he wanted to show them. 

"I'm sorry." He whispered before he felt his body begin to droop as he slumped on the floor. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halla! Thank you so much for reading yall! And it might seem a little forced but it took forever to write because i kept thinking about other stuff... Anyway thank you loves!
> 
> I'm not as happy with this chapter as I want to be so I may do some modification, and I will definitely be taking a little longer to write the next chapter, thank you so much for the love and please stick with me!

***Keith's POV***

When he opened his eyes he was standing with Shiro, Hunk, and Pidge, Lance wasn't there.

"Where-" Shiro stopped talking as something began to play before them, like a screen.

* * *

They saw a little boy with a mop of curly brown hair and brilliant blue eyes running across a sandy beach to be caught in the arms of his mother, and they were both laughing.

They saw the boy, slightly older now, laughing as he played with younger siblings. His father entered the room and for a second fear crossed his face but it vanished in a flash.

They saw the father yelling at the boy, by now they knew it was Lance, and him crying, and the father hitting him.

They saw a mass of children huddled in a corner hiding from their drunken father and an older Lance rushing in to take the punches instead.

They saw Lance teaching his younger sisters how to cook and was the dishes and helping them with homework.

They saw Lance holding the blade above his arm and putting it back down.

They saw Lance coming home with an A in every subject and his mother hugging him proudly and his father hit him one less time that night.

They saw Lance holding the blade again but this time dragging it across his skin like he was made of paper.

They saw Lance and his many siblings and his mother in a doctor's office being told Lance had ADHD.

They saw him receive his acceptance letter to the Garrison and his siblings screaming with joy and his mother hugging him close. 

They saw him meet Hunk and the memories of cutting began to stop. They stopped altogether when Pidge decided to be their friend. 

They saw him happy.

They saw him with Voltron and them and laughing and flirting.

They saw the blade begin to come out again. 

* * *

Then the memories stopped. Hunk and Pidge were crying, Shiro looked shocked, and Keith was angry. Why had he been so stupid. He felt his face flushing and hot tears running down his cheeks. In a sudden moment a brilliant blue lion stood in front of them. 

"Blue?" Hunk was the first to ask.

"Yes, hello Paladins, you have seen the memories of my Paladin. Far more than he hoped to share with you. But you see now how sad my little Paladin is, and how much you need to remember. My Paladin needs you."

"It was him who decided to show us this?" Keith found his voice, surprised it was thick with tears.

"Yes, after you, Red Paladin, confronted him he told me he wanted the pain to stop. I told him to tell you of his past."

"You knew about his past?" Pidge spoke finally, her fists held in tight balls at her side.

"Yes, I know my paladin's mind and he knows mine." 

"Your bond is that strong?" Pidge pushed further at the lion.

Blue seemed to be angered by this, "My Paladin and I have a strong connection, I chose well when i deemed him worthy to be my Paladin and I have never regretted it. The times he could not form Voltron, the times he didn't listen to your plan, the times he ran without thinking, I was proud of him. Because he tried his best and never let your comments reach him." Blue was standing now, "My Paladin and I have the strongest bond of this team." 

Pidge looked about ready to sink into the ground, "God we've been horrible."

Hunk looked the same, Shiro looked ready to fall over, he was muttering words to himself only Blue seemed to be able to hear. She looked somewhat amused. 

Blue sat again, "My little one is waking, he will know what you have seen. Act wisely." The lion faded into nothing as their surroundings began to spin and they sat upright again on the training deck.

Lance was still slumped onto the floor, his headset had fallen to the side and he looked more peaceful than they had ever seen their Blue Paladin. He began to sit up and pulled the headset off his head, he looked around and let a small grin fall on his lips, "So, yeah." He gave a nervous laugh and rung his hands together, "I didn't mean for you to see all that."  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hallo! I worked on this one for a while so I hope yall enjoy it! Thank you so much for reading and all your support!

The Paladins sat in stunned silence, Pidge was sobbing quietly and Hunk looked like he was reliving a bad memory, Shiro had hung his head and looked ready to finally let his emotions go in front of everyone, Keith was furious. His fists were balled up tightly and his face was burning bright red. Lance had tucked his legs up under him and wrapped his arms around his knees, resting his chin on his knees, his face was slightly red and his eyes were pooling with tears. 

"Lance-" Pidge began but Hunk rested his hand on her shoulder to silence her. 

Lance was crying now, tears running down his face in hot streams. He forced a laugh that made his tears run faster, "HaHa, What's with the tears, am I right? So weird." He wiped the tears across his face with his arm and sniffed, looking more uncomfortable than before.

Shiro raised his head and scooted next to Lance and wrapped his real arm around his hunched figure. Hunk sat down next and Lance leaned into his best friend, burying his face into the Yellow Paladin's shoulder. Pidge sat down in front of them and squeezed Lance tightly into a hug. Keith sat behind them, so he was facing Lance, he reached up slowly and tucked a loose lock of curling hair behind Lance's ear. Lance looked up, surprise written across his face, and smiled a weak smile, "Thank you."

Shiro was the first one to break the hug, "Why didn't you feel like you could come to us about this, Lance?"

"I felt like, I felt like you would think differently of me." His voice was almost inaudible and Keith had to strain to hear the words. 

"Why?" Pidge squeaked out, her hands were twisted together tightly and her knuckles had turned white.

"Well, I thought you all saw me as a joke, just here to form Voltron, so I figured you didn't care about my past, just how I fought."

Keith stood upright and stared Lance in the face, a ferocity behind his eyes, "Did we judge Pidge when she said her brother was Matt? When she said she was a girl? When Hunk throws up during flights?"

"No." He shrunk back into Hunk's shoulder, trying to make himself smaller to escape Keith's furious gaze.

Keith softened his tone, "Then why would we judge you?"

"I was scared." The Blue Paladin finally looked back up, "I didn't want you to kick me off the team, I didn't want to leave my friends."

"Lance, oh, Lance." Shiro stood up slowly and pulled Lance into a standing position with him, "You're our sharpshooter! We couldn't do anything without you!"

Lance burst into another set of tears as Shiro pulled him into a hug.

"Come on, buddy." Shiro and Hunk walked Lance out of the training room and towards his bed.

"But i'm not tired." lance tried to protest as a yawn cut off the last part of his sentence.

They had him tucked into bed and he was asleep before Keith and Pidge could join them. The Paladins looked around Lance's impeccably cleaned room, his walls were mostly bare except for a few band posters, and a picture of his family rested next to bottles and bottles of jars of hair and skin care products. It was a large family, and Lance stood smack in the middle, surrounded by laughing children and laughing siblings and his mothers smiling face. Lance had his arms wrapped around his mother and one of his older sisters and his face revealed that it was taken before the Garrison. Even in just a picture his face seemed lighter, happier, more care-free. Keith absentmindedly pulled open a drawer and stopped dead in his tracks, "Shiro..."

"What is it?" A look in the drawer revealed a razor, sharp and glowing amid the jars, the end stained lightly red. Shiro let out a small puff of air and touched the top of the blade, he jerked his hand back as soon as he touched it. Pidge flipped the lid of the trash bin open to find bloody bandages shoved to the bottom. There was blood on the sides of the bin and looking under the bed they found a newer razor, with dried blood still on the end. Their eyes traveled to Lance, sleeping silently, he had the covers pulled up to his chin and his chest rose and fell slowly. His hair curled at the ends and tumbled down his forehead, his freckles sprinkled across his cheeks seemed to glow on his tanned skin. There was a small scar on his cheek from when a Galra soldier had slashed at Lance with a knife, nobody had realized it had scarred. Keith sucked his breath in through his teeth, and shook away an odd feeling. 

Coran and Allura stood in the doorway, having followed the Paladins. Allura was whispering silent questions to Coran who answered with a sad face, he seemed instantly older. It was no secret how much the Altean cared for the Blue Paladin, and they knew exactly how he felt. Allura finally seemed to understand the picture and slowly let tears fall from her eyes. Coran had an arm around Allura's shoulder and nodded once at Shiro before turning and pulling Allura away from Lance's room. 

"Hunk," Keith chewed on the inside of his cheek, a habit he shared with Lance, "Did you know about this?" 

The Yellow Paladin looked down shamefully, the truth written in bold letters across his face, "Yes, I have to check every so often, I wanted to tell you but-" 

They all nodded, Lance didn't want to seem helpless.

"Was there anything else?" Pidge spoke up.

"Well, he suffered with eating for a few years, but being around you guys, it's getting better." 

Keith's eyes flicked back to Lance, he had never noticed how his cheekbones jutted out, and how thin he was. The only time he had really noticed Lance's thinness was in the Altean pool, when Lance hadn't had his shirt on, and he had looked like he was trying to hide. Thinking back, Keith remembered how his hip bones had stuck out above his swim trunks, and how he could see Lance's collar bones clearly. 

"I don't know about that, Hunk," Keith sighed, "When we went swimming..." His sentence trailed off when he thought about Lance.

"I've been an idiot." Hunk dropped his head in his hands and started to cry.

"Hey, we all have." Pidge frowned, "But we can fix this, we can make it right." 

Shiro was nodding along, "But for now, let's let him sleep."


End file.
